Who am I?

The interview suit, heels, handbag [it doesn't get out much] and trusty rain coat.

Good morning (well its Sunday and ALMOST morning) I hope your world is well and your loved ones warm and dry. After a testy week of weather in most of the UK, of which we've been included although no more than our normal squalls, I hope folks are warm and dry. So having just about recovered from a bout of the 'girl flu', a trip 'sooth' and an interview panel this past couple weeks has really found me 'searching' for who I am. And, I found out a few things I knew and some I didn't. So excuse the indulgent sharing but its my blog and I'll share if I want too :) she says with her tongue stapled into her cheek!

I have reaffirmed that I am a woose (coward) it would seem a huge muckle one, a dose of bedridden poorliness has had me utterly pathetic, in need of my Mum and a spluttery mess. Tantrums and tears a plenty, it seems when I'm poorly I turn into a quite demanding 4 year old. Who'd have known? Probably my mother and so to now does the Rock God and the bewildered teenager who's never really seen me sick before. So I'm not as tough as I think I am.

I rather remarkably also appear to have some kind of contrasting inner resilience - and a NEED to get the job done, hence heading south when not feeling 100%, if a panels been formed whilst I'm sure my absence wouldn't have been an issue, their efforts forced my own. Most of us don't really like to 'let folks down' do we? And opportunities we'd like to be considered for, such as jobs, mean we really do try harder to be attentive and show willing. No, I didn't get the job, but the experience was an interesting one. I spend so long trying to absorb all the knowledge from an organisation, if I were advising another I'd probably tell them to focus on themselves and why they'd be good for the job. Wise words from friends who asked me exactly that. 'Well  I work really hard and I'm committed', doesn't really explain your passion for work and life choices does it? Needless to say I need to remember that its as much about 'me' interviewing them as the other way around, and I shouldn't sell myself short. But, on the positives now I do have a rather fabby understanding of the CO2 equivilants of rice versus cows thanks to a lovely chum and could perhaps hold my own with a debate of meat v's, rice production! Who'd have known how crazy methane escaped from rice paddies as well as coo's bottoms?

So, its been a good few weeks of 'who am I?', 'what do I want'? Don't mind me I'm not whining honestly! When searching for a new job more and more I think that those phrases are more relevant than even 'can I do that?'. OK, there's a fair bit of courting when thinking of a new employer, its quite like a relationship isn't it? You contort your CV into all sorts of endearing and beautiful poses to get them to notice you, like your profile. It's almost like competition to get on that elusive first date with them. The main problem with that is I'm not really 'first date' material. Ask the Rock God, he told me his first [proper] date was like being mangled through an assault course. It was more 'why would I be with you, you're interesting but convince me' than 'please can I see you, and could you love me'. Honestly, it wasn't pretty. Unfortunately for me, and I know this, I call a spade a spade, and on a first date (or an interview) unless you're in a tool shed, that's not pretty (and possibly quite disturbing to find yourself IN a tool shed for a first date in the first place..........).

Even with this is the back of my post-girl-flu mind, I'm back to applying for just about anything my CV can be lovingly squeezed into - whether that's food related, growing related, media and teaching related or down right dirty and hands on gardening related. Wonderful things CV's they are coiffed and embellished with the tinkering of a few keys on the laptop and appear (as if by magic) in front of employers like a modern dating profile. This week its been for a horticultural reporter (BBC you KNOW you want me, be nice to see some 'thrifty' gardening in your monthly magazine and abundant slug/caterpillar holes in cabbages - like in a real garden :D), a garden project manager (Also really interesting, challenging and worthwhile), a cooking demonstrator (could kinda do that, erm honest), almost for a proper management job (I fell of the chair at the thought of trying to shoe horn my ample CV into its little black dress for that one and decided against it) not enough mud for my liking. And whilst I applied for a gardeners job, I am passionate beyond most other things about growing and passing on this knowledge, but like many jobs I apply for I'm often rejected as too qualified, didn't even get an interview, even if the salary was quite frankly quite shocking - it would have been a really interesting job. And, how often do we hear that - TOO qualified, seriously, I think not, look at these hands, they're certainly well qualified for growing stuff not necessarily just tapping into a keyboard. And, if the hands don't tell you much, pop along and have a look at the groaning book cases, OK I've not read them ALL more than once, but let me tell you I'm a dab hand with an index and the google search bar. And, if you're really in doubt why not ask the kids about my plant obsessed life - what them groan at the mere mention of a chloroplast - they don't tell you that do they - study hard and utterly bore your children!!

So here I am approaching the 'new' phase of my life when the children flee, the nest is becoming empty (aside a rock god, a couple of pesky hounds and hopefully a clatter of chooks again) and I find myself wondering WHAT do I REALLY want to do and WHO I really am.  Perhaps if I give that a bit more thought, any applications I actually make will be more likely to be honest and rewarding, rather than me contorting myself into my interview suit clamouring for approval and, perhaps not just a second date but a job please too? All I know is that it DOES need to involve growing and food, growing and flowers, or just plain old growing. I do have a penchant for dirty mitts, woolly hat and a grubby face. Yes I can write reports, yes I can write funding applications, all good skills, but I'm also very good at weeding and enthusing my vegetables to grow. All worthy skills which have their place, heaven forbid if its was ALL mud, or typing.

Scarier than that, DO I actually want a job or just to work for myself? When did pure horticulture and passing on that knowledge, to grow food, nuture trees and green spaces and alike, get to be such an underrated occupation? Honestly its not that I don't enjoy my current job (s) they're challenging and rewarding, but when considering something new, its hard to think what might actually suit NOW and in the future. Its not really to do with money, although I find it utterly insulting when jobs which are hugely technical and hard work, difficult conditions and require dedication, are grossly undervalued. Its not about the money folks, its about respect and value for folks skills. And, I'm not just including gardening in that one.

And, its come as no surprise, I do not perform well in 'grown up clothes'. Yes I have a couple (in fact three) suits, yes I can hold my own in both them and heels. However you're more likely to get more out of me if we sit down and have an informal chat about my ideals, my work experience and those crazy self funded flowery qualifications I have. OK, if we do that, we'll ascertain that not only am I quite practical, but the studying has been one of my only sources of 'my' botanical world for years and I've worked hard to get them, to me they are very important. They're not only just some thirsty hungry quest for knowledge on my part, its been a bit of that, but also about the opportunities that have popped past me whilst I've raised my family in a remote challenging part of Scotland.

Like many single parents, my choices have largely been driven by my family and the opportunities which have allowed us to live as we'd like, in a safe place, in the way of life that we find appealing. Long commutes, pension plans, power dressing (power tools yes, power dressing no), and networking haven't really been our bag. So why should that change when I move from here. As the opportunities open up, I'm minded to stay true to my inner beliefs, enjoy stimulating and challenging work and not don the heels too often. I look far better in mud. At the end of the day, I don't think we should be judged by our CV's and yet that's often our opening gambit. And, yet a good CV reader will be more interested at why a person's left school at a certain age and perhaps either taken OR not taken a 'normal route'? People are inherently interesting and I think CV's and job applications leave us with little to show that.

Anyway enough of my havers which isn't intended as a reflection than a rant, more of a 'who AM I monologue' feel free to ignore! I'm off to have a wee walk and continue to ponder quietly whilst mentally tinkering with my CV's little black dress, and its interview suit, just in case.

Although I prefer this footwear to the heels, interview suit, hand bag and train ticket above. Same person, same jacket, different perspective probably a lot more true to myself and definite second (job) date material. Even more so as I DO always brush my hair for an interview, not so much for a second date.

Maybe opening hand shake on the next date should be - Hello how are you, I grow food, and I can show other folks how to do that and I'm passionate about it all. I'm utterly in love with growing and flowers, mud and dirt. Now, how can I help you with that?

Perhaps blogging is good for sorting out the noggin' after all. Thanks for reading, I'm sure many folks like me, find themselves at a junction wondering what on earth to do next. Its exciting and scary all at once. Excuse the tone if its a bit self searching, I'm just a bit lost at the mo.

Perhaps the perfect job criteria should be 'how often do I get to wear my welly's and how much mud is there?'